Guest Post – Some Other Ideas For Your Consideration:
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Did you grow up thinking that if you found “True Love”… you’d live happily ever after? Do you look at other couples that appear to be happy, and wonder how they do it? Are you confused about why relationship happiness has eluded you?
If you identify with the questions above, it’s possible that you became disenchanted with dating, falling in love, and staying with one person forever because you had some fuzzy or unrealistic ideas of how love should be. Here are some of the myths about “happy couples”:
Love conquers all problems.
First, this myth begs for the definition of love. If you are basing your feelings on the intensity of chemistry you share with someone without realizing that there is more to sustaining a relationship than this, you definitely will be disappointed. Chemistry is compelling, no doubt, but it has to be joined with the mutual standards by which you both want to live your lives or the feelings of love will vanish.
Second, even with values and chemistry in place, couples need negotiating skills and the maturity to listen, forgive, and commit to working anything through. If your communication and conflict resolution style is to withdraw, get defensive, assign blame, or criticize, love will have difficulty staying alive in your corner of the world.
And last of all, you may want to examine what love means to you. Does it match what your partner defines as love? Many misunderstandings occur around how you expect your beloved to act and think toward you. Love can see you through life’s challenges if you master being kind, allowing, affirming, and able to listen to the other person, as well as solid in your own sense of self-worth.
Shared interest will keep us together.
This is one of the biggest misconceptions about relationships. Yes, it is wonderful to have a lot of activities that you love to do together and when you have feelings of mutual warmth and respect, you will easily find them. Is it necessary to do absolutely everything together? No. And if you try living your life from the rule of total togetherness, guaranteed, one of you will wind up giving up something that you used to love to do.
It isn’t possible nor is it a requirement that you spend every recreational minute together. What is important is to find that balance between time spent together and time spent doing an activity that makes you happy, gives you energy, and returns you to the world (and your relationship) tanked up and emotionally present.
Soul mates never fight or argue.
If you want someone in your life who gives you unconditional love, never disagrees with you, and never gets upset with anything you do or say—you need a dog. Otherwise, any relationship you have with a lover or spouse will undoubtedly have its moments of conflict. If you honor similar thoughts and values around the topics of sex, politics, religion, family, and money, then you will probably not spend more than 20% of your time in disagreement. However, if you believe in saving every penny and your partner wants a new car and a cruise when you can’t afford it, you have some issues to work though. If you believe in fidelity and your partner is seeing other people behind your back, you will spend more than 80% of your time arguing, angry, and crashing into your inevitable deal breaker.
All relationships have needs…and deal breakers. Many couples can genuinely love one another but have a dissimilar idea of how they want to live their lives. You may need to live in a way that is different from your partner, and that need will cause issues, but needs don’t have to be insurmountable. Being unfaithful, however, is an act of betrayal, and for most people, often spells the end of the relationship. That’s called a deal breaker.
Other areas in which couples may find they have strong disagreements are the decision to have children, how to raise the children, where to live, and how much time to spend with relatives. None of these areas needs to be the cause of the relationship ending, but they will have to be approached with kindness, understanding, patience, and a listening heart.
If you are dating someone you think you want to marry, make sure you take an honest look at the values the person lives by. Then, sit down and talk about what your ideal life would look like. Many engaged couples are seeking pre-marriage counseling so they can have help sorting out what the potential deal-breakers are.
Pay attention to these three big myths about happy couples. Break them apart into realistic pieces so you don’t feel overwhelmed when you are looking at the possibility of having a relationship. This is how you become…a SAVVY dater.
About Tonja Weimer: Published Author: 8 Books, her latest book, Thriving After Divorce, is on shelves now. Her books have won over 25 awards.· Columnist: Weekly syndicated singles and dating columnist (over four million readers in the U.S. and Canada) · Media: Coverage on TV, including CNN’s ShowBiz Today; rave reviews in USA Today, Entertainment Weekly, Publisher’s Weekly · Author: NBC/USA TV Network, selected author for articles on dating and singles for website · Articles: In House Beautiful, New Woman, GRAND, and other national magazines · Coach: Master Certified Singles Relationship Coach; Associate Certified Life Coach; International Coach Federation; Relationship Coaching Institute; Institute for Life Coach Training · Keynote Speaker: Regional, National and International conferences in U.S., India and Europe · Academic: BA; MA in Human Development; U.S. Dept of Mental Health full fellowship Visit Tonja’s website for more exciting dating tips! www.tonjaweimer.com
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