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A lie will easily get you out of a scrape, and yet, strangely and beautifully, rapture possesses you when you have taken the scrape and left out the lie. ~Charles Edward Montague, Disenchantment

DR. LISA LOVE REFLECTIONS

Recently, I picked up a great book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. Overall, I love the book except one part of it gave me pause and made me reflect. It was in the chapter about “Why Men Cheat” on their wives, girlfriends, etc. Harvey’s basic answers are: 1) They Can. 2) They Think They Can Get Away With It. 3) He Hasn’t Become Who He Wants and Needs to Be or Found Who He Truly Wants. 4) What’s Happening at Home Isn’t Happening Like it Used To. 5) There’s Always a Woman Out There Willing to Cheat With Him. And, ultimately he explains the man hasn’t got his priorities straight especially in having a real and meaningful spiritual practice in his life.

Ok. So far, so good. And, I also agree with what Harvey says regarding why a man is able to get away with his cheating and lying behavior with the women he is with. One reason this happens Harvey explains (using my paraphraze of what he says not his exact words now) is because any woman he is with hasn’t set high enough standards in her life to respect and love herself enough to see what is going on right in front of her and take a stand about it. She basically colludes in the notion that denial is good for you. After all, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” And, since her denial lets him get away with what he wants to, he is happy to join in on the denial party with her. But, denial is not good for you and it feeds one of my four major love myths I discuss in my Attracting Real Love course — love is blind. Wrong! Real love actually requires 20 – 20 vision because you only know how to really love yourself and others when you are seeing what you need to see clearly.

Which is why when I read this in Harvey’s book I decided I couldn’t disagree more. He says if a woman starts to catch on to a man’s cheating and lying behavior and starts to ask questions a man is going to just do more of his lying and denying game. Why? Harvey says men will do this “if we care about you. But, if not — if a man doesn’t see you fitting into his life plan — he won’t even bother with all of the covering up.” WHOA!!! Come on, Steve! I know the rest of your book also says that a man who really loves a woman won’t cheat, but let’s clear this up right now! Le’t not make it seem like somebody is cheating and hiding the truth from someone out of love. No way, no how!

So, why do we really lie? Plain and simple We’re afraid. Period. Why are we afraid? We don’t love ourselves or the people around us enough to live in truth. And, real love requires the truth. Not some blunt rude make people feel stupid and horrible version of truth. But, truth nonetheless! And, if you want proof of who has the most loving relationships going on between them? Well, it’s between people who can live in truth completely. They love and respect each other so much they want to be honest with them. They care about not hurting them. They care about being loved and respected in return for who they are flaws and all. And, they want a partner who can hear the truth and help bring it all into the realm of consciousness in a loving way and heal any fear in the realm of love. That means the more a couple lies to each other, the more they actually are in fear of each other, which means love really isn’t very present at all.

Now, why do we refuse to live in truth? It’s simple. We are thinking more about ourselves and coming from our egos. We simply don’t want to have to face the consequences of what we are doing and be forced to change our hurtful behaviors. We don’t want to feel bad about ourselves by having to see clearly what is really going on. Or, to share another quote, We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. ~Tad Williams. In short, we are afraid to love and feed fear in our lives instead.

Ok, I don’t expect people to be perfect. But, try this on for size. Next time you catch yourself or other people telling lies ask yourself this, “What am I afraid of and how does this reflect a lack of love in myself or a lack of love regarding the people I am with?” Then, ask this, “What would it be like to love myself and others enough to be willing to take the scrape, instead of give one?”

Notice this as well. Despite what people say finding out the truth doesn’t hurt! What hurts is discovering how much there was a lack of love and how real love was replaced by deception and fear. Remember, real love heals it doesn’t hurt. And, though it may hurt to find out about lies, shedding them actually opens you up to attracting more real love in your life creating space for the rapture described in the main quote above — for yourself and the people around you.

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE: Go to: http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html

Dr. Lisa Love is the founder of LoveMovies! and also the best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction; ATTRACTING REAL LOVE: 4 Steps for Finding the Love You Want; and SOUL SUCCESS: How to Create Joy & Prosperity in Good Times or Bad; MEDITATION: The Path to Peace. Buy these books and receive bonus gifts at my website. She is also a Life, Relationship, Law of Attraction, and Tranformational coach. There’s a reason my clients tell me by working with me they get major breakthroughs fast! Decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with my extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds help my clients make shifts in a rapid way. Contact me to discover what I can do for you.

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How important is physical compatibility in relationships? Well, it depends on the couple. For some people their physicality is of utmost importance to them. When it is, they often want their partner to engage in many of their activities with them. For some couples the physical nature of their relationship is not important to either of them. And for some couples, if one rates the physical aspect high and the other one doesn’t, happy satisfied couples have found ways to satisfy that physical element outside of their relationship.

I have done research with couples who self-identify as happy and satisfied after being together at least ten years. One area I ask about is their satisfaction in the physical area. This can encompass many things. It can mean sexual compatibility. It can mean being satisfied with each other’s overall health and level of activity. It can translate into satisfaction with romance or public displays of affection or lack thereof. It could mean satisfaction with one’s partner’s physical appearance.

The one aspect of physical compatibility that seems to be most important is sexual compatibility. The vast majority of the couples I interviewed reported not having other intimate relationships outside of their committed one. They also reported a healthy sex life, well into their later years.

As author, Kevin Lehman writes in his book Sheet Music, sex in a marriage is very important and necessary to a man. He believes a woman who denies her man enthusiastic involvement in the sexual act is like a man who refuses to talk to his partner. As a general rule, women need communication and men need physical connection. That is not to say women don’t enjoy sex and men don’t like to communicate. It’s just the general trend among the genders.

I also interviewed couples who both reported sex was no longer a part of their relationship and they were both at peace with that fact. I even interviewed one couple who were married as heterosexuals. He underwent a sex change operation and is now a woman. They have remained a lesbian couple and the wife also satisfies her sexual desires with a man and her partner fully sanctions that activity.

Other aspects of the sexual area to consider are frequency, duration and creativity. All of these are things that couples should discuss and come to agreement about. If one person wants to explore all manner of sexual activity with his or her partner and the other partner is interested only in the missionary position, then that relationship may be in for some rocky roads.

Romance, foreplay and public displays of affection are also areas where it is helpful to find agreement with your partner.

Compatibility in the sexual area is critical to relationship success but the level of activity is defined by the couples themselves.

Sometimes couples highly value the external appearance of their partner. They want the partner whose look is pleasing to him or her. I interviewed a couple who are both 88 years old, married 56 years. When they were married, the husband loved the way his wife looked. Her beauty was very important to him and he referred to her as his “pin up girl.” Do you know now, 56 years later, he still refers to her as his “pin up girl”? That is a man who was able to adjust and expand his physical expectations to match the maturation of their relationship. Contrast that with a person who gets together with his or her partner based strictly on external beauty. Once that beauty begins to fade, as it inevitably will, he or she will be looking for the next partner to replace the aging one. For some couples, the outer beauty of a person is not important for either of them. And for still other couples, external beauty is of the utmost importance and they are very conscious of their weight, nutrition and may have cosmetic surgery to assist in maintaining their beauty.

A final area to look at is health and fitness. What I found in my research is that for many people who value this aspect of life, they were attracted to partners who did also. This makes the relationship smooth in this area. They often engage in common activities of fitness. They may like to hike, bike, swim, lift weights, and go to the gym together. They may even engage in their activities with other people and that is fine as long as they are maintaining their overall health and fitness. They also generally agree on their nutritional choices.

If this is an area that is not important to either couple, then there is no issue here and they are compatible in their indifference to health and fitness. What challenges and potentially strains a relationship is when one person values this and the other doesn’t. I saw this more with older couples where one partner was perhaps more overweight and in poorer health. One person becomes worried about their partner’s health and mortality.

The bottom line is that different things work for different couples. While some highly value aspects of this physical area and want their partners to value it too, some couples are able to enjoy the aspects of their physical life that are important to them while allowing their partner to do what’s important to him or her. And there are yet other couples who do not value this area at all. The couples who reported being happy and satisfied with their relationship did not have conflict in this area. Either they were compatible in this area or they simply allowed each other to fully express themselves in this area as they saw fit.

Kim Olver is a life and relationship coach. She teaches people how to live from the inside out by empowering them to focus on the things they can change. She is an internationally recognized public speaker and provides workshops in the areas of relationships, parenting, and a variety of self-growth topics. She is also the creator of the new, revolutionary process called, Inside Out Empowerment.
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Have you ever looked at your friends who have long term partners and wondered why you haven’t got that in your life? Do you ever wonder when Mr. or Ms. Right will come along, and what the hold up is? Have you ever thought if perhaps, possibly, you’re doing something that could be keeping them at bay?
Conventional dating and online dating in the new millennium is vastly different, thanks to the internet, however still very much similar as it has always been for singles. Take a look at some of the more common mistakes singles make when starting to date new people. Perhaps you’re making some of these mistakes?
 

Lets assess your appearance and personal hygiene?
Take some time to get ready for your date. Clean your teeth. Refresh your breath. When you chat with your date, bad breath will surely be a turn off. SHOWER! Men, be sure to use deodorant. Ladies, don’t go overboard on the makeup or perfume. Select a pleasant looking outfit to wear and be sure it is suitable for the date. You wouldn’t wear an Armani suit when on a picnic, and you wouldn’t wear ug boots to the opera.
 

Make sure you are well mannered?
When singles are dating and trying to chat there are fewer turn-offs than a date who piles their dinner into his or her mouth, or even swears. Females who make snide remarks and chat about others during conversation is in pretty poor taste, and male singles who don’t hold doors open and other basic courtesies will find themselves getting the cold shoulder at the end of the night. “Please,”, “thanks,” and “excuse me” are important phrases to employ; they show your date that you are a respectful person.
 

Don’t chat constantly, let your date have some breathing space. Exposing your life history in day one? Nattering on regarding esoteric knowledge that may not interest him?
Everyone likes to be listened to. Your date is no exception! Whilst you may think the story of your life to be very fascinating, odds on that generally the first couple of dates, that guy probably isn’t all that interested in hearing every detail of your life in high school. That lovely little women most likely wont share your deep and enduring interest with vintage belt buckles, either. Singles should chat openly and ask and each other light hearted questions. Touch on these subjects, no problem, but don’t harp on them to the exclusion of all else, be sure that your date has ample time to talk, as well. These tips always apply whether you are dating in person, or you are in a private chat via an online dating service.
 

Make sure you pay attention when she is chatting to you?
“Uh huh,” “yep,” “Oh, right…”  – these remarks are a death knell to the start of a friendship. This implies that you’re distracted, not giving full attention to your date’s conversation. No one enjoys being on the sidetracks of someone’s thoughts, especially when they’re dating. LISTEN to him. Make remarks that show you are giving her full attention. “Really, your boss said THAT?” “and, where DID you decide to go?”
 

If you met through an online dating service, do you really look like that picture you uploaded?
This is a HUGE and frequent error many singles make when using online dating and chat rooms. They upload a photo from five years or fifteen Kilograms ago, or have a studio shot done, and wonder why their date looks let down or shocked when they meet for the first date.
We all want to appear at our very best and present the best possible appearance, however uploading out-dated and unrealistic photos is not the answer. Take or find a few photos that truly represent how you look RIGHT NOW. Don’t just fob off what is actually a work of fiction as fact.
 

Are you posing? Acting arrogant and conceited?
If you consistently pull that large wad of currency out, chat about your amazing achievements in sport, your job, and life, or take too much time removing that pocket compact to maintain your mascara, you’re going down a wrong track. Many singles dislike a flash date. Try to be a little more modest.
 

Don’t be TOO modest!
No one wants to reassure their date all night. “I honestly hope you think I look okay!,” “I’m such a huge clumsy galah!” and similar are NOT good conversation starters, or serious relationship starters. Show alittle self-confidence, however don’t be arrogant and conceited about it. It can be a fine line, often, but not that hard to find.
 

Not always a good idea to focus on sex too quickly?
Sex is the best way to kill a budding romance. Guys, when you try to bed her too quickly, you’re sending her the signal that all she is, is just a convenient body to be enjoyed to satisfy your desire, that you’re not really looking for a long term romance. Ladies, even in this new millennium, jumping into bed too quickly tells men that you’re heaps of fun in the sack, but not the sort of women they want to bring home and introduce to Mum and Dad.
When is the right time to go that extra step? That’s difficult to say, however certainly do not try within the first three to five dates. Allow some time to get to know your dating partner before you move onto sex. If the time is right, you will know. Those singles looking for a quickie, try your luck with adult online dating sites, or the local night club or bar.
 
Putting it in perspective.
With the first couple of dates, the answer is to allow time getting to know them, while giving him or her enough opportunity to realize who you are, also . Chat, listen, and be respectful. Don’t forget that the person you are dating is probably just as nervous as yourself, so try to be forgiving if they make mistakes. They will probably be more likely to dismiss your little errors in return!
A first date should be light-hearted, cheerful, and enjoyable. So keep it pleasant and upbeat, you’re so much more likely to have a return date, and who knows? This first date might be the last first date and the start of something special!

  Free Online Dating Service and Chat Rooms for Singles Internet Dating

Australian Online Dating and Chat Site Offers Singles Online Dating Tips
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You might date very many people but only one was meant to be your soulmate. Not every one who get attracted to you qualifies to be your significant other. It is more than meets the eye. It is abit confusing when out of the blues your blood veins feels like bursting and your heart beat rate increases. Your perspective about life positively changes and yet you have doubts whether he/she is your real soulmate. Intimacy does not qualify the virtue either. A soul mate is a person who allows to grow, helps you release your emotions, all the insecurities that life presents such as fear among others. He/she helps you to be comfortable with yourself. He helps enjoy unconditional love, peace and gives you the purpose of facing each new day.

A life with a soulmate can be said to be in circles. A soulmate helps to do all things that has one theme and that is the innocence and the unconditional love you knew when you were a young kid. The idea of a soulmate is not a person who loves you completely but one who has the skill to deal with any issue inhibiting unconditional love. You do not have to be head over heels in love with your spouse but as you go through the life’s journey together you will find yourself more and more in love with each other over time. There is nothing more fulfilling than feeling at peace with the relationship since there is evidence of harmony when you live with a soulmate.

The difference between a joker and a soulmate in your live can be detected by the heart-heart attraction. Your mind can reason out emotions or fears that can result into separation. A matching soul mate leads to unconditional love and sometimes the mind fails to understand. The strong feeling outgrows the fear that your love might be misused. Your heart has the capacity to create the bond compared to your mind. A soul mate helps you break free from insecurities. This brings a new meaning to what love is. You stop seeing it as the illusion you knew it for in your teenage years, the family and society’s definition becomes irrelevant. In such a relationship there is freedom to live life to the fullest.

A soul mate who takes your needs as his and helps you heal in all your areas of need. It is not easy to get to appreciate whatever you do not like about yourself. He/she deals with issues concerning money, social status and the common problems of all times(body shape). A soul mate will always help remove all the stumbling blocks that stops you from achieving all your goals. It is not necessarily love at first sight but it is the type that grows with time. It is God’s will that your partner is in alignment to your soul’s purpose. The most important thing to note is that he/she must not meet your family’s or friends expectations.

Francis K. Githinji Is A Online Dating Expert. His Latest Project attractive older woman Shows How The Power Of Online Dating Can Be Harnessed Internationally and With Great Success,
Or You Could Post Your Valued Comments On His Blog At attractive older woman
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With almost half of first marriages ending unhappily, and an even greater percentage of second marriages doing the same, it’s apparent that the overload of self-help marriage books, Dr. Phil instant-therapy shows and widely-available marriage counseling is not keeping marriages from going under. However, every once in a while we find a relationship book that dazzles, and that is Dr. Scott Haltzman’s innovative, The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife’s Heart Forever.

Dr Haltzman, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University and a couples and individual counselor, noticed that many men in counseling held back with a serious hesitation to express their feelings and fears. He founded a web site, www.secretsofmarriedmen.com, as a way to research and support men’s marriage strategies, and after communicating with thousands of men, collected a vast amount of revealing information about men and marriage. The results have been skillfully distilled into this enlightening, helpful book that should be required reading for both men and women in relationships. The book celebrates the equality of the sexes and outlines their inborn strengths and skills. Be that as it may, the distinguishing message is that there are real and undeniable biological and emotional differences between men and women that must be comprehended and utilized to benefit the relationship, not to create more conflict.

The author explains, in a user-friendly style, why men don’t need to reinvent themselves in order to improve relationship skills. He describes the biological reasons why men and women differ in the ways they think and feel, particularly the structure of the brain that determines how we perceive the world, how we communicate and how we respond emotionally. It is understandable why so many gender traits frustrate and irritate, because we don’t comprehend them. Following the very compelling compare-and-contrast lesson on brain differences, the book devotes one chapter to each of the eight strategies that happily married men claim are the most important factors for enjoying a fulfilling marriage while retaining a strong sense of themselves as male.

The chapters include: Make your marriage your job Know your wife Be home now Expect conflict and deal with it Learn to listen Aim to please Understand the truth about sex Introduce yourself Each chapter has personal anecdotes, along with insight, advice and useful TO DO lists to help organize the material and facilitate following the action steps. Many marriages fail because of preconceived notions about how men and women should relate to each other. This book provides new and effective ways for men and women to understand and appreciate each other without obliterating the essential essence of their biology and their mental and physical make up. Dr Haltzman tells men that they are able to improve and save their marriages precisely because they have the innate skills to succeed in relationships.

The bottom line is that, “when men worked hard to improve their marriages using their inborn manly skills to put their wives’ needs above their own, not only did their marriages improve, but they were happier and more fulfilled than at any other point in their lives”. And women with important insight into why their husbands do what they do, help their men to be more successful partners.

Sheena Berg lovingly writes articles for the StepHeroes step parenting advice newsletter. To learn more about happily married men, there’s no substitute for reading “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” by Scott Haltzman, M.D. However, you can join our conversation with Dr Haltzman as our Ask the Expert guest on http://www.BlendedFamilyExperts.com. WEBMASTERS: Use of this article requires the links to remain in place.
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The Online Dating Industry is exploding with millions of new members joining every single day. It is estimated that within the next five years, almost 50% of all single adults will use Online Dating Services to meet other singles!

As more and more people use online dating services and dating agencies to help them find their Soulmates, a new specialty service has emerged in the form of an Online Dating Coach. While the online dating sites compile your personal information so they can do the matchmaking, a Dating Coach works directly with the clients to help them establish and develop the relationships which start within the agency. A Dating Coach has the responsibility of helping clients effectively market themselves on the dating site. Essentially, an Online Dating Coach provides personal coaching services to clients so they can put their best foot forward in making contact with the other dating site members.

An Online Dating Coach is a dating specialist who, after interviewing and working with a client and using special coaching assessment tools, will help the client put his or her thoughts, feelings, and values on paper (so to speak) and in doing so create the client’s Online Dating Profile which will be seen by the other members.

In addition to this, an Online Dating Coach will help his clients see how their thoughts and feelings are affecting their dating matches, and will offer guidance and feedback to enhance the client’s likelihood of success. In many cases, a Dating Coach’s clients have been away from the single marketplace for a good number of years. Therefore a bit of rehabilitation is helpful for some clients as a way to familiarize them with 21st century dating practices. A lot has changed in the world of dating in the past ten or twenty years – indeed, even in the past five years have dating rituals evolved!

A Dating Coach usually works by phone, and typically, weekly or twice-a-week telephone coaching sessions are scheduled at the convenience of the client, sometimes after work and occasionally on the weekends. At the beginning of the coaching process, a Dating Coach will do an initial assessment to get the larger picture of what’s occurred in the client’s personal life. During that assessment, the client’s personal values are mined through a series of open-ended questions. This interview sets the stage for the effective coaching sessions that follow.

Ongoing coaching sessions with a Dating Coach may be as simple as meeting by phone for an hour to discuss the men or women you’ve dated over the past week, or they may become as intricate as having your Dating Coach listen carefully while you practice flirting with strangers, or role playing to get ready for “the big night out.”

Perhaps the most important aspect of selecting a Dating Coach is investigating their professional academic credentials. You’ll want to make sure that your Dating Coach has been professionally trained of course. A Dating Coach who has a background in Psychology or Social Work (if not both) can be very helpful in drawing out the qualities of a client’s personality that he or she may not even be aware of themselves. The Dating Coach can then help the client express themselves so their dates have the benefit of their true feelings and personality. As a simplistic but illustrative example, shyness in a person is often mistaken for conceit. The person who seems unfriendly is often just bashful, but this quality may lead to a misunderstanding – especially on a first date. A properly trained Dating Coach can resolve this type of issue by helping the client compensate for his or her shyness and even make it work in their favor.

As with any form of counseling, when you seek the assistance of a Dating Coach, be objective but also look within so you choose someone who sincerely wants to help you. The more your Dating Coach is willing to work with you as his client, the more committed he is to providing the service he’s promised. At the very least, the service of a Dating Coach will help you learn more about yourself and make you more comfortable with the personality you express to the world. Since a large part of dating is your wish to feel good about yourself through the companionship of another, just feeling better about yourself overall will make your life richer for having had the experience of being coached. And feeling better about yourself can easily lead you to the relationship you’ve been dreaming about – and the reason you joined that dating service in the first place!

Jay Reiss is an Online Dating Coach who has worked with more than two thousand clients worldwide! He’ll help you design your Online Dating Profile and show you how to succeed with Online Dating! He offers a free telephone coaching session (a $100.00 value – free!) and has Free Online Dating Advice on his website http://www.online-dating-coach.com
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Are we destined to be with our soulmate? Does everyone on this earth find their soulmate? Or is just a load of rubbish? The term Soulmate in a spiritual sense is well meaningful. Of course that is; if ‘one’ should see and believe the spiritual side of it. You might say that you have met your soulmate the moment you look into eachother’s eyes. Much of this is true. Although, it could only be for that moment in time.

 A soulmate can be someone you have spent many lifetimes with. In other words you have been together in past lives. Now, alot of this, ‘one’ might think is crazy talk. How could you have possibly lived with your soulmate before. Again, its what you believe in. You know when you are with your soulmate because of the deep feeling you have. Indeed, it does feel as though you have met before. The feeling you have known eachother for a longtime. Which brings me to the point of where ’ones,’ past life comes in.

 It is through your pastlife where you and your soulmate come  together. Now, through many of your pastlives, lessons will be learned in order to complete your life eachtime on earth. Lets say a woman has been told she will meet her soulmate in her present life. She has been told that this new person in her life will be someone she has never been with before. In other words, her soulmate will be nothing like her other lovers. Now she is jumping for joy, excited at the possibility of meeting her soulmate.

  However, it may not stop there. There could possibly be obstacles in the way of her success. So, it is then, where she has the opportunity to go back into her past life. Something or someone from her past life has affected her present life. Which may block the meeting of her soulmate. So, in order for her to be completely happy, she has the chance to discover what may be causing the block. This is where she may recieve guidance from a psychic reader. Someone who conducts past life readings.

   In her present life she may need healing from her past life. Energies from her past life may still be attatched to her present life. So therefore, the psychic reader is able to tune into her pastlife to clear this blockage. Of course, the opportunity to do this, and to be with her soulmate, would entirely be up to her.

   In another sense; this woman may have been told she will meet her soulmate, but it wont last long in her present lifetime. So, therefore, in spiritual terms, they are not ready to complete the lesson in this lifetime. Perhaps she has to go through alot more life lessons until she meets her soulmate again.

   Meeting a soulmate of course is never easy. Many are searching for ‘the one,” everyday to no conclusion. Others may meet their soulmates immediately after birth. Your soulmate does not necessarily have to be your love partner. A soulmate can also be your mother, your bestfriend, your child…..etc. Whoever your soulmate is; the feeling is defined as ‘Unconditional Love.’ or ‘True Love.’ 

Lynda Rapana
Intermediate Spiritual Advisor
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As little girls, we grew up with dreams of eventually living our own fairy tale lives. We saw Cinderella getting the price, Sleeping Beauty awakening to her beloved’s kiss after years of sleep, and Snow White living happily ever after with her true love. We yearned for the time in our own lives when the prince would come and sweep us off our feet or rescue us from distress. Unfortunately, by waiting for knights in shining armor to come along, we set ourselves up for disappointment, disillusionment, and distress.

When we take responsibility for our own “happily ever afters,” we empower ourselves to create the lives of our dreams – regardless of what anyone else is doing or saying. In order to create our own fairly tale lives, we need to proactively pursue things that make us happy in the moment. Everyone we know and love will benefit when we fill ourselves up. Some suggestions for doing so might include:

Setting aside one day per month as our own “fabulously fun” day.

Let’s get creative here, and start by asking some questions. What elements would we like to add to this day to make it phenomenal? Who would we spend our time with? What would we listen to? What would we eat? What new experiences would we incorporate into the day? How would we pamper ourselves?

Scheduling ourselves into our appointment calendars.

By doing this consistently, we send ourselves and the world the message that our self-care is important. We also get into the habit of saying yes to the things that matter most to us.

Surrounding ourselves with people, places, and things that inspire and motivate us.

The truth is that we are a little bit like sponges. We soak up the thoughts, feelings, and moods of those around us. The more we are around people and environments that support our growth and best interests, the more we stack the decks in our favor.

Taking total responsibility for our choices and actions.

Let’s face it. Blaming others might seem justified at times, but it leaves us in the position of being victims. When we point our fingers outward, we become helpless and unable to implement solutions. We have absolutely no control over the behaviors of others or the hills and valleys of life circumstances. We only have control of ourselves. Acknowledging this fact totally empowers us.

Avoiding people, places, and situations that diminish our enjoyment of life.

We’ve all come across those people who need to rain on our parades. Their negative outlooks can infect our attitudes and derail us if we let them. Learning to say “no” to situations and experiences that drain our energies and our spirits is critical if we want to make space for the ones that enliven us.

Taking delight in our five senses.

The world is filled with wonderful sights, scents, sounds, tastes, and textures. Why not take time to surround ourselves with ones we love. In order to truly experience the physical world around us, we need to show up mentally and practice being totally present in the moment.

Deciding to stop settling.

Let’s check in with ourselves and see where we have been settling for less than we deserve in our environments, our relationships, our careers, our friendships, our lives. What can we eliminate? What can we delegate? What do we need to say “no” to? What do we want to experience more of? Who do we want to get closer to?

Passionately pursuing our dreams.

We need to write our dreams down, believe in them, and pursue them diligently and with clear intentions. Let’s take on the attitude of pursuing our dreams UNTIL we achieve them – then we will never give up until we reach our own “happily-ever-afters .”

Copyright © 2009 by Holly Cox, L.C. P.C., C.D.C.®

Holly Cox is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, a Certified Dream Coach
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So, you thought you have finally found the ONE.

Someone who has an established career, with stable financial status, responsible, good looking, intelligent, and good-humored person has finally come into your life.

But, just when you thought you’ve finally met the ideal man or woman of your dreams, everything seems to be wrong and complicated. Suddenly, he has lost his job, she went bankrupt, he became careless, and she became paranoid about everything. You try to help your partner in dealing with the issues but it always turns out that he or she’s too good to ask help from anybody-even you.

Still, despite everything you still do almost everything to help your beau without you realizing that he or she slowly drags you into the pit of depression and helplessness they’re in. When you feel that you are no longer healthy, happy, and growing in the relationship, that’s the time when you are trapped in bad relationship.

Being stuck and stranded

It is always hard to end any kind of relationship-especially if it’s a romantic relationship. But, no matter how hard to end something that you thought is precious, you should know when to end a relationship especially if you are well-aware that its not doing you any good.

The signs of the times would probably tell you if you are already being stuck in a bad relationship. Experts agree that the relationship is already bad when the couple is going through unusual periods of disagreement and bitterness that can be evitable in some relationships. You will also know if you are already in the pit of a bad relationship when it involves incessant aggravation and everything-even your partner-seems to be out of your reach.

The main determinant if you are in a bad relationship is the behavior of your partner. You can tell that you are being caught up in a bad relationship if your partner is beyond your reach of communication and comprehension, he or she doesn’t want to make any commitment, doesn’t profess his or her feelings even if there is a sort of commitment or plainly incapable of loving someone else besides him or herself.

Studies also show that in any bad relationship, the couple is often on dissimilar wavelengths that there is almost no common ground and no connection or communication that result to irritation and disappointment.

Since bad relationships usually stem from chronic reciprocation of what one or both partners need, the relationship itself can even damage the self-esteem of the persons involved. Bad relationships are also destructive for persons especially those who have invested so much in their careers for their personal lives since these serve as a perfect breeding ground for rage, bitterness, self-doubt, melancholy, and distress.

Aside from emotional distress, staying in a bad relationship can be hazardous to someone’s health. The most common hazard of bad relationship is the physical harm caused by an abusive partner. In less severe cases, being in a bad relationship can cause tensions and various chemical changes often triggered by so much stress.

Being in a bad relationship reflects so much on the person’s overall health and well-being because it can drain energy, thus, lowering the body’s resistance to illness. The common health hazards of being in a bad relationship include severe headaches, back pains, and stomachaches caused by anger and frustration; insomnia and melancholy caused by emotional distress; and weight problems caused by irregular behavioral patterns and depression.

If couples continue to be in a relationship that is no longer healthy, they will try to find a way to escape from being stuck inside by being alcoholic or drug dependent. Worse, being stuck in an unhealthy relationship can eventually lead to recurrent suicide attempts.

Breaking free

What most people inside relationships do not realize is that the more they try to work things out, things get more and more complicated. This is because both people in the relationship try so hard to pass through the stage without realizing that they are detaching themselves with their respective partners. As a result of this detachment is misunderstanding, incompatibility, and soon enough, falling out of love.

If you are already in a bad relationship that robs you off your freedom to be yourself, the freedom to love other person, and the freedom to get out of an unhealthy and destructive relationship, here are some of the things you can do to recover.

1. Consider your wellness as the first priority in life whether you are in or out of a romantic relationship.

2. Try to be “selfish” at times by focusing on your own needs above all else.

3. Be strong enough to deal with your own problems.

4. Have a positive outlook in life and cultivate whatever positive values you acquired within the relationship.

5. Nurture you spiritual side and try to look for ways or activities that can bring you inner peace.

6. If the relationship was quite traumatic, think of getting professional help or find a support group where you can chare your experiences and the lessons you have learned.

7. Don’t be afraid to fall in love but try to be more cautious next time so you won’t be stuck in a bad relationship.

My Relationship Tips has hundreds of relationship and dating articles for men and women.
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If we were to believe everything the books and glossies tell us, nothing could be more important in a marriage than sex and sexual compatibility. And there are any number of therapists, how-to books and videos available to reinforce this viewpoint.

Yet, is this really true? Is this the foundation stone marriage is based on? Given that, there should be so many marriages that should have worked but do not. Not every divorce happens because of the sex not being good. And not every marriage lasts because of great sex.

Why then, this hype about sexual compatibility? Is it the age we live in? An age when sex has come out of the closet and therefore must be the be-all and end-all of everything? Will this too pass? If we go beyond the fads of the day and seek deeper for answers, we will no doubt find that it is not easy to paint such a one-dimensional picture of marriage.

Marriage is such a complex relationship, an interaction and melding of two people on so many different levels, all interconnected and intertwined. When there is a short circuit in these systems, there has to be a scapegoat and what better than sexual incompatibility, the flavor of the day! And yet, very often, all other things gong well, sexual compatibility just grows and blossoms.

Trial marriages today are the order of the day and it is mostly to do with more than compatibility it is to do with sexual compatibility. That is how much influence the hype about this subject has had. But, like wine, should not sex grow and become better with time? Maybe what is needed in this area is guidance on how to make things better, not just how to make the techniques better.

Love and romance can be the greatest triggers to good sex. The art and science of technique can enhance it. Very often, couples bring to bed a whole host of the days problems and sex ends up being the culmination of these pent-up emotions. Tensions, unacknowledged slights, words spoken in haste they can all end up in sexual incompatibility.

Or, then again, it could result in a great sexual coming-together but what about the morning after and back to everyday life?

The trick is to see marriage as a whole, not piecemeal. A holistic viewpoint very often heals even the most bitter feuds. Putting the blame on sexual compatibility, or rather the lack of it could be a very blinkered viewpoint.

To find more advise and tips on marriage and sexual compatibility visit http://marriage-directory.com

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There are about 100 Million single adults in America. You would have the best probability of finding your Hero or Heroine if you were truly bi-sexual and only required breathing. In that case, all 100 Million could be potential matches for you. Since most of us are heterosexual, all of a sudden we lose 50 Million prospects! 

And, I bet you are more picky than just requiring breathing. But do you realize how each trait you require drastically cuts the Universe of prospective prospects? 

You do need to understand the arithmetic. 

Let me give you an example based on my own search for my Heroine. One of the traits I required was that my Heroine be a non-smoker. By my making that ONE issue of no smokers non-negotiable, I IMMEDIATELY eliminated 23% of American women — a statistically HUGE number of women. HUGE. With just one filter, I knocked out of contention nearly a QUARTER of the women who might have been, otherwise, wonderful and a perfect match for me in every other way. 

If I ALSO required that my Heroine be qualified to be a member of Mensa, which by definition is only the top 2% of the population in intelligence, and assuming smoking and intelligence are totally independent variables (which amazingly, inexplicably seems true), then we are down to: 

Ideal Heroine Possibilities = 77% X 2% = 1.54%

JUST with those two attributes! With only these two items, I had less than two percent of American women to chose from. (Actually, I only required an IQ of 120 or more). If you add the obvious three filters of age, marital status and geography, this number gets VERY low VERY quickly. 

With around 50 items on my personal combined Profound List One and my sexual Profane List Two, and the 10,000 things on my day-in, day-out DIDO List Three, well, I DO need a VERY large Known Universe. 

The point of all of this is that you get to control what is critically important to you. In my case, I considered the idea that I had so many requirements that I might not find my own Heroine in this lifetime. In my case, I decided that I would rather wait, alone and as a devout heterosexual, than compromise those things that are important to me. 

Fortunately, I found my perfect-for-me Heroine.

 How picky are YOU?

Sometimes, I get complaints from readers that this whole process is too damn complicated.

Bear in mind that the Process IS the Process…and has little to do with any thing I want or say or do…or how much we both may wish it were different. So, it is pointless asking me to change it!

The Short Version

In case you’ve forgotten, here are the ways life and nature make the Process work:

• You decide, again, for the umpteenth time that you would prefer not to live your life alone.
• You decide you have no choice…that you have got to live your life with someone you love deeply and totally…and, oh by the way, you have a strong preference that the other person feels the same about you.
• Based on all your past lovers, and all the problems and issues that you had with THEM, you remind yourself that you already know that there are certain general traits, characteristics, values, goals, sexual preferences, day in day out living needs, etc. that you want to have in common with your future lover.
• You meander around – eventually stumbling across someone who seems to spark one way or mutual chemistry. It may or may not be much of a spark…but at least there is the hope of fire.
• You let the attraction and chemistry run rampant, savoring every drop of this rare elixir of love, lust and attraction – and usually ignore all those traits, characteristics, values, needs, goals, etc. that you had thought were important.
• Eventually, the flow of realities of day in day out life dilutes the elixir and its effects.
• Slowly, or suddenly, many if not all those traits, characteristics, values, needs, goals, etc. you originally thought important become important again…with you eventually noticing that some of the more critical ones are missing with your current lover.
• The missing ingredients somehow changes the flavor of the elixir which now starts to turn bitter, for one or both of you.
• Eventually, the bitter elixir turns poison, killing the relationship.
• The relationship ends with all the ensuing heartache and pain for one or both.
• In your now lonely state, you add up the time and realize that all those months or years with the last one wasted way too much of your time and life by taking you down yet another dead-end trail that led nowhere.
• You lock out the rest of the world for a few more weeks, months or years until you get over this most recent disappointment.
• You decide to hell with the whole idea of Happily Ever After.
• You lock out the rest of the world for a few more weeks, months or years until you get over this most recent disappointment.
• You also decide, again, to become a monk or nun and try to remember the mantra from the last time.
• You decide you are not THAT religious.
• Eventually, you always seem to return to the first step above and start the whole Process over again with the hope that, this time, you will find that one true love, that Soulmate, who will travel the path of Happily Here & Now with you, all the way to Happily Ever After.

That’s it. The Process is what we all go through, usually way too many times. I didn’t create it. I don’t like it any more than anyone else. It is the Process that life and nature has given us.

But until each of us settles for an unfulfilling relationship or gives up…or we find that path of Happily Here & Now with the right person, we will probably waste a huge part of our adult lives spending too much of our time, too much of our precious energies pursuing this Process.

Efficient Love

If we are stuck with the Process no matter what we do, it seems to me that the best course of action is to at least improve on nature’s efficiency. That is what Efficient Love, and The Good-Man Methodology, are all about. The book will tell you how to get a LOT better at improving on nature’s Process and probably save you years of wasted time going down more dead-end paths.

But there are other dragons which are much more sneaky and can even seem like pets that want to tag along on your journey – being part of Happily Here & Now.

The Dragons Section of Efficient Love is designed to help you spot even these better-camouflaged varmints. Below are listed 18 of the Sneaky Ones. Three of these are offered as samples by clicking on the dragons shown in red or the links shown above.

• The Inert Chemistry Dragon
• The Fill-in-the-Blank
• Projection Dragon
• The Kid-in-a-Candy-Store Dragon
• The Rejection Dragon
• The Flame-Broiled Dragon
• The Waylaid Dragon
• The Deceit Dragon
• The Distance Dragon
• The Winner-Is Dragon
• The Kiddo Dragon
• The Recycle Dragon
• The Speed Dragon
• The No-Right-to-Choose Dragon
• The Dollar Dragon
• The No-I-Am-Not-Going-to-Use-Your-Method Dragon
• The Monogamy and Commitment Dragon
• The Deranged Dragon

But remember all dragons, big and small, have but one major goal in their pesky lives: to distract you and to interfere in any and every way possible with your enjoyment of a genuine Happily Here & Now – knowing without that, they have successfully blocked your path to Happily Ever After.

For what seems like a multitude of reasons, many simply don’t think they have the right to choose their own destiny. Approval by parents, spouses (both far past and most recent past), business associates, even friends often seem to be a prerequisite requirement for some folks to decide what they should want in their own personal lives and how they should get it.

This isn’t said in any demeaning way – we are all a product of our own unique history – and the history of many seems to have caused them to come to the erroneous conclusion years ago that someone else’s approval was still necessary for them.

• Hint: If you are old enough to vote, and have already left home to face the World, then YOU have every right to decide, for yourself and for your own reasons, every decision in life – without needing anyone else’s permission. It is as simple as that – and everything else, from this day forward, is just an excuse for not taking control of your own life.

• Second Hint: No decision is also a decision – don’t let apathy be the dragon that guides you on your life path. It is almost certain that the path of apathy will neither be the path of Happily Here & Now nor one that will ever lead to Happily Ever After.

Consider it hereby proclaimed forever, as of now, that YOU have your OWN unconditional, unlimited permission to develop every single item on all Three Lists exactly the way you really want.

You have the sole right to decide every trait that is truly important to you in your own Hero or Heroine – and what you want them to be like Profoundly, Profanely and exactly how you want your own DIDO.

You don’t have to justify even a single entry to anyone else in the World. No one. You get to fully and completely determine exactly what Happily Here & Now path you want to take to reach your version of Happily Ever After.

All it takes to slay this particular varmint is coming to this same conclusion. Period.

And, poof, this magic dragon is history!

Excerpt from “Efficient Love.” Copyright © 2003-2008 Robert Goodman.
All rights reserved. Used by expressed, written permission of author.

Elsewhere in the book, Efficient Love, I’ve discussed safety issues and dealing with the crazies of this World. Here, the sole focus is on the deranged – who I define as those males or females who physically, emotionally, or verbally abuse and terrorize others with either their irrational or manipulative rages.

One of the most heartbreaking discoveries from my interviews with the Tens of Thousands of people about their relationships was how horribly pervasive abuse is in our society. It is such a severe problem that you probably can’t even guess at its magnitude. And, to those who suffer the terror daily, to those who have given up on all dreams of any kind of Happily Here & Now, it can appear they are trapped in such a deep, dark, inescapable pit, Ever After.

But you CAN escape abuse.

Start by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at their confidential, toll-free number at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to their web site at www.ndvh.org for more information and resources that are available to you. Their Hotline offers, in both English and Spanish:

• Crisis intervention – Helping you to identify the real problems and possible solutions, including making plans for safety in an emergency.

• Information – About sources of assistance for individuals and their friends, families, and employers wanting to learn more about domestic violence, child abuse, sexual assault, intervention programs for batterers, working through the criminal justice system, and related issues.

• Referrals – To battered women’s shelters and programs, social service agencies, legal programs, and other groups and organizations willing to help.

Because this issue is so critically important to the happiness of so many, I asked a friend who is both a renowned psychotherapist and university professor – and one who personally suffered this kind of terror herself – to contribute her recommendations here about this dragon she knows all too well.

“Be a survivor – not a victim. A survivor is one who knows it takes more strength to leave than to stay; one who says ‘I will no longer be disrespected, abused, neglected or harmed by you.’ Do YOU have that strength? Absolutely – because you’ve already survived a Hell that far too many know. How do I know? Because I got out – and so have thousands of others. I used no special gifts, words of wisdom or hidden secrets – I just finally said, ‘No More,’ and went to the police and took my life back. A man OR woman who abuses has a very specific profile. As much as life feels unpredictable, there is one thing you can count on: it will get worse. Regardless of whether you stay or leave – they will escalate the abuse. Not based on your actions – but based on how their sickness progresses. So, leaving becomes a positive option. You’re not alone – and you do not have to go through it alone. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline or get help from local agencies. 

I now help others, expecting nothing in return – just freely giving away what was given to me. It’s ironic really, as long as I give it away I get to keep what I have – peace of mind and a life free of violence which has allowed the room for love and warmth to encompass all that space.

One other suggestion: If a man or woman has a history of violence – don’t even ponder a relationship of any kind with them.

As Robert would describe it: Consider it a DEAL-KILLER!!

If they have gotten help through treatment and therapy and you are willing to consider the possibility, consider with caution – and only with proof of their progress in a positive direction.

This is, in no way, only directed toward women who are abused by men – abuse goes both ways!

Abuse is abuse!!!”

By taking that first step, my friend, Madam Professor, did what she had to do to stop her own terror. As a result, she took complete charge of her own destiny and has enjoyed very major successes in every part of her life ever since – and is now enjoying her own version of Happily Here & Now the way SHE wants to.

You can do the same with your own life.

If you are in an abusive relationship, do as my friend did – and take that first step. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

It really is that simple.

You don’t need me to tell you – you can’t find the path to your own Happily Here & Now until you get off the oppressive path of Horrible Here & Now that will never lead you to any kind of Happily Ever After.

Do whatever you have to do, now, to get this dragon out of your life forever.

Start with one simple phone call. Now.

If there are three people in a relationship – you, them and one child – then there are SIX relationships in the dynamics – or TRIPLE the possible relationship complication potential of just a two-person couple.

With two kids and two adults, the number jumps to TWELVE relationships – all trying to co-exist Happily Here & Now in the same castle. A formidable task, huh?

And all that arithmetic just assumes the living-together nuclear family. Imagine the number of relationships involved when you count everyone in the extended family – including all the other family members and ex-spouses who are actively involved!

Scary, huh?

It doesn’t have to be. None of these dragons have to win. Doesn’t it make sense, fairly early in the relationship, for you both to discuss every possible issue so you can flush out any major deal-killers as quickly as possible?

Family factors and issues, and especially at-home kid considerations, can generate some very hard questions that will significantly impact your DIDO…Your day in and day out life with your Hero or Heroine. All of these issues need to be dealt with openly with every ounce of honesty in both your hearts — taking into consideration every relationship that will add to your own expected arithmetic. 

If you don’t do the math now, some of these dragons might end up attacking just when you thought you saw Happily Ever After on the horizon.

What do you think is the right order of these?  Are you sure?  Since we are talking about long-term relationships that might last till Happily Ever After, the answer here is NOT sex, sex, sex.

Those are the sex, err six, choices you have with each new relationship.  And, how important sex is to each of you will probably affect your ordering and timing of the three issues.

Without a doubt, sex with someone you totally love and adore – with both matching each other’s Profane List Two – is THE best.  There is nothing on earth that comes close to it.  On a scale of 1 to 10 – it is a 200!

But…

If you are a very sexual person, you will probably want to know from your Hero or Heroine prospect that there is a very close match to virtually all of your own sexual Profane List Two items that you enjoy, need and want.  And, if you understand the concepts discussed in the book, Efficient Love, you will also require that you know you match and totally satisfy your Hero or Heroine’s particular needs and wants on their Profane List Two at least as closely.

My research shows that unless there is a VERY close two-way sexual match, you will end up with major conflicts galore, day in and day out.

Imagine, for instance, you have GREAT chemistry with a man who was a wonderful match with everything on both of your Lists One – only to find out, AFTER you had given your heart and fallen in love, that he was boring in bed, or had no interest in your pleasure, or wanted sex only once a month, or gave you sex that only lasted 22 seconds, etc. (modify the picture to deny you whatever may be your own personal, most-needed sexual desires and requirements).

Even though you might love him dearly, and you might try to convince yourself that your sexual needs were less important than the love you shared, it is probably likely that at some point, the relationship would become very incomplete to you – and not be the match you thought had been made in Heaven.  Maybe with the love eroding from the resulting friction.

If you are very strongly sexual, it might make a LOT more sense to make sure there is a MUTUAL sexual match from the very beginning of a relationship – before you fell in love.

The Profound List One is the starting point and without an HONEST match there, the rest is irrelevant and probably sex should be avoided – unless you want to get waylaid on purpose.

But, if List One is a great match and the Profane List, the sexual List Two, APPEARS on sheets of paper to be a match – it probably doesn’t make sense to delay sex on sheets of cloth until AFTER you were in love.  After all, you need a way to validate the paper version of the Profane List Two to make sure there is no ambiguity.  Using LOTS of validation!

So, maybe sex, love, monogamy makes sense as the right order for you, after all.  Or, is it sex, monogamy, love?

Bear in mind that there is another thing that will happen with this ordering after you have sex.  Some new chemistry WILL come into play in your relationship from all your playing and coming.

Why is all of this important to talk about now?

This same hormone, also known as the “cuddle chemical,” is produced during sexual arousal but especially floods both men’s and women’s bodies at the peak of orgasm – causing the same kind of psychological bonding reaction in both men and women.  However, the levels of oxytocin produced in women are significantly higher than men (also, higher testosterone levels in men appear to reduce the effect of the oxytocin produced by guys).

All of which can cause a woman to feel more bonded and make her that much more interested in monogamy than a man – especially after the sex.  Yeah, I know.  Another thing you heard here first.  But, at least now you know part of the reason.

(It does raise the scientifically interesting question: Whether there is an even higher level of increased bonding, statistically speaking, in very highly multi-orgasmic women – I have my own suspicions about this although I couldn’t find any cited, direct research or data sets to support my empirical conclusions – but I digress.)

OK.  OK.  I did promise I wasn’t going to get into this sort of thing about the underlying chemical reactions, and such, of love.  But when momomomonogamy and cococococommitment become issues you need to understand part of the why.

If you want to know a lot more about all the new stuff they are just now discovering about all of this, surf the web using the keyword phrase of  “oxytocin AND orgasm.”  Some of the information at the links you find will probably amaze you.

The point is that you really do need to make sure your Three Lists match as closely as possible – before the sex – so you have some feel for the true compatibility between you before more chemistry gets in the way.

Otherwise, the Monogamy Dragon will have you feeling other things and teasing you with other hormones that, just like the other chemistry, might once again get you waylaid – sending you back through an extra trip through the Cycle of the Nine Stages

Like Sirens, you will have dragons of Loneliness or Horniness or Great Chemistryness, or whatever, softly singing for you to give up your Quest – doing all in their power to get you off course – so you once again settle for less.

Sometimes, when it’s been too long since even a nice Happily Here & Now, it is hard not to fall prey to this dragon – just so you have some of what you seek.

Sometimes, when the loneliness or the craving for any kind of intimacy or even the jungle desire for raw sex becomes overpowering and you finally find even a glimmer of mutual chemistry with someone, the song of this dragon can seem almost impossible to resist – even when you know the path he is leading you on isn’t going to be good enough for even a mediocre Happily Here & Now.

Sometimes, it will just be rip-roaring, overpowering, knock-your-socks-and-thigh-highs-off chemistry that smacks you up the side of the head and makes you forget about everything else in life – including your Quest. Sometimes, the chemistry is so strong, you will swear it really must be love at first sight and say to hell with any issue or logic that might want to get in the way.

Sometimes, you’ll discover that what once was a true Happily Here & Now for you has also turned into a path to nowhere – when one or both of you discover the really hard parts of your Quest – when one or both of you realize that you are not going to accompany one another to your now-realized different Happily Ever After destinations.

Sometimes, maybe after a divorce or a breakup, you decide to hell with your Quest for a while and seek out the Waylaid Dragon on purpose because the last thing you want at that time is to be locked back into any kind of committed relationship – deciding instead to just play for a while and have fun. Deciding instead to be like a kid in a candy store with the goal of taste-testing everything that even looks delectable.

Of course, the problem with any of these reasons for choosing a dead-end path, with the Waylaid Dragon tagging along behind you, is that, by definition, you are not going to be on the path of Happily Here & Now that will ever lead you to Happily Ever After. So whatever time you spend on the detour will cause you at least an equal amount of lost time, and maybe more, in finding the Soulmate you seek.

Plus, you will never know what near-perfect Hero or Heroine you might have just missed because of that detour.

The best weapons against this dragon will be your Lists, so you at least know what you are giving up, or postponing, as a result of being waylaid. Other than that, good luck.

Just know that this is the kind of dragon that will probably most successfully waste the MOST of your time and keep you from your primary Quest.

My guess is that most of you have already had relationships galore. Good ones. Bad ones. Regrettable relationships. Forgettable relationships. Relationships that were life-changing. With all of them adding up to too many Cycles through too many of the Nine Stages. All of that experience has gotten you where you are right now.

Do you want to keep using the same methods you have used so far, or would you rather try a new approach? Maybe you’d like to try a new method that will let you benefit from all those dead-end trips down paths that led to neither Happily Here & Now nor Happily Ever After?

But remember: Ever After is the destination. Here and Now is the path you travel each day on the way to Ever After.

There really ARE so many possible Heroes (or Heroines) – and so little time. The problem: how to find the One – without taking all those side trips?

What Happily Ever After means to you is probably going to be significantly different from what it means to me and most everyone else. What is important to each of us can be very different and is almost surely unique in many ways.

A warning though – if you really are serious about finding your own Happily Ever After, there ARE going to be three hard parts to that Quest:

• · The Hard Part: Seeking out Happily Here & Now with ONLY those who MIGHT be the companion to accompany you all the way to Happily Ever After, while you and they enjoy every morsel of Happily Here & Now you can – for as long as the ultimate destination of a shared Happily Ever After is still possible for you both.
• · The Really Hard Part: Ending Happily Here & Now when it becomes obvious to you both that Happily Ever After will not happen together.
• · The Excruciatingly Hard Part: Ending Happily Here & Now when just one of you believes Happily Ever After can still happen together.

This first one is bad enough but the last two can be very tough – especially when the Happily Here & Now you share is fun or fulfilling or content in so many different facets of the relationship.

If you find yourself at this point in a relationship, slow down long enough to see if you, or they, can fix what needs to be fixed to make it to Happily Ever After together.

If so, continue the journey.

If not, well, how much you believe in, or really want to reach Happily Ever After will dictate your own answer.

Warning

Warning: Sometimes, the periods in between Happily Here & Now are so long that even when we taste a bit of it, when we sense even a little mutual chemistry, it is like a feast to a starving man.

Even when the Here & Now is not-so-great, these Three Hard Parts are often the reasons that many give up on ever finding Happily Ever After – with most settling for only a partial Happily Here & Now. It is no wonder that so many have stopped believing that Happily Ever After exists.

Most of us just aren’t willing to do all three of those hard parts, Cycle after Cycle through the Nine Stages, to get there – even though the consequence is that most of us still cycle – moving from one Happily Here & Now to the next – more often than not with someone who never, even from the beginning, shared our same vision of Ever After.

Happily Here & Now

Happily Here & Now, when it is mutually fulfilling and long lasting, doesn’t have to even be a bad compromise. But about the only way to even enjoy this kind of compromise requires a very close match to one another’s wants, wishes and needs. The closer those matches, the longer the relationship will probably be mutually satisfying – and the longer you both can delay another Cycle through the Nine Stages.

But either way, if your goal is Happily Ever After OR Happily Here & Now, you need to start by defining exactly what it is you want for YOU. So, why not figure out a way to squeeze the ambiguity out of all your wants and wishes and needs – so you can make it clear to both yourself and to others what you, uniquely, want for YOU?

The Good-Man Methodology is intended to help you do that very thing.

Again, all of this is the reality of the steps necessary to reach Happily Ever After. Those three hard parts are, again, just the dictates of reality and logic.

You Are Empowered to Choose

I have been amazed at how often so many folks have never considered the fact that they, themselves, have the right and ability to choose what THEY really want in defining their own Happily Here & Now and deciding where their own destination of Happily Ever After lies – often seeming as if they are waiting for someone else to give them permission to want what they want.

The Good-Man Methodology and the book Efficient Love are intended to help you take charge of your own Quest, giving you power over your own Happily Here & Now and Happily Ever After in the ways that are most meaningful for you.