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By , on July 2nd, 2010%
How many traits are on your wish lists for your Hero or Heroine? 5? 50? Or, is the only requirement that they be currently breathing?
There are about 100 Million single adults in America. You would have the best probability of finding your Hero or Heroine if you were truly bi-sexual and only required breathing. In that case, all 100 Million could be potential matches for you. Since most of us are heterosexual, all of a sudden we lose 50 Million prospects!
And, I bet you are more picky than just requiring breathing. But do you realize how each trait you require drastically cuts the Universe of prospective prospects?
You do need to understand the arithmetic.
Let me give you an example based on my own search for my Heroine. One of the traits I required was that my Heroine be a non-smoker. By my making that ONE issue of no smokers non-negotiable, I IMMEDIATELY eliminated 23% of American women — a statistically HUGE number of women. HUGE. With just one filter, I knocked out of contention nearly a QUARTER of the women who might have been, otherwise, wonderful and a perfect match for me in every other way.
If I ALSO required that my Heroine be qualified to be a member of Mensa, which by definition is only the top 2% of the population in intelligence, and assuming smoking and intelligence are totally independent variables (which amazingly, inexplicably seems true), then we are down to:
Ideal Heroine Possibilities = 77% X 2% = 1.54%
JUST with those two attributes! With only these two items, I had less than two percent of American women to chose from. (Actually, I only required an IQ of 120 or more). If you add the obvious three filters of age, marital status and geography, this number gets VERY low VERY quickly.
With around 50 items on my personal combined Profound List One and my sexual Profane List Two, and the 10,000 things on my day-in, day-out DIDO List Three, well, I DO need a VERY large Known Universe.
The point of all of this is that you get to control what is critically important to you. In my case, I considered the idea that I had so many requirements that I might not find my own Heroine in this lifetime. In my case, I decided that I would rather wait, alone and as a devout heterosexual, than compromise those things that are important to me.
Fortunately, I found my perfect-for-me Heroine.
How picky are YOU?
Tags: smokers, QUARTER, compromise, trait, definition, VERY, independent variables <BR/>
By , on July 2nd, 2010%
Bear in mind that a lot of the complications of finding both Happily Here & Now and Happily Ever After have to do with the arithmetic of relationship dynamics. For example, with two people, you have two relationships to take into account – you with them and them with you.
If there are three people in a relationship – you, them and one child – then there are SIX relationships in the dynamics – or TRIPLE the possible relationship complication potential of just a two-person couple.
With two kids and two adults, the number jumps to TWELVE relationships – all trying to co-exist Happily Here & Now in the same castle. A formidable task, huh?
And all that arithmetic just assumes the living-together nuclear family. Imagine the number of relationships involved when you count everyone in the extended family – including all the other family members and ex-spouses who are actively involved!
Scary, huh?
It doesn’t have to be. None of these dragons have to win. Doesn’t it make sense, fairly early in the relationship, for you both to discuss every possible issue so you can flush out any major deal-killers as quickly as possible?
Family factors and issues, and especially at-home kid considerations, can generate some very hard questions that will significantly impact your DIDO…Your day in and day out life with your Hero or Heroine. All of these issues need to be dealt with openly with every ounce of honesty in both your hearts — taking into consideration every relationship that will add to your own expected arithmetic.
If you don’t do the math now, some of these dragons might end up attacking just when you thought you saw Happily Ever After on the horizon.
Tags: huh, child, Dragons, sense, deal killers, hearts, day <BR/>
By , on July 2nd, 2010% Five Years from Today WILL Happen. No Matter What You Do — Or Don’t Do.
Think about you and what you REALLY want. How do you want your Hero or Heroine to participate and share in your day in day out life? Does your Soulmate Applicant envision the same lifestyle and goals that you do? If they don’t, and there are major differences of opinion between you, then it can be a ticking time bomb that might destroy the relationship.
I’d like to share with you a valuable thought process that is part of The Good-Man Methodology that might give you some critical insights into your personal future. The questions are very simple. It’s the answers that will affect the rest of your life. Answers that will also help you have a meaningful dialog with your Hero or Heroine to help ensure you are both heading down the same path to Happily Ever After.
Try to realistically project, in writing, as much detail as possible for a typical day in your life five years from today. Picture a typical day — the way you really want it. The more details you can include, the better the image will be of what you really want to work toward. And have your Soulmate Applicant do the same — independently — to make sure that both visions are unshaded and true.
I’m not talking about fantasy. But I’m also not talking about a simple extension of what your life is now. Instead, do a zero-based projection — starting from scratch — that would be realistic for you. With your real preferences as the important parts of a typical day in your life.
My book, Efficient Love, has 70 questions to guide you on developing your own very personal plan.
There are, of course, no wrong answers to any of these questions. Just different answers. But, short of catastrophe, five years from now WILL happen. And you get to choose the direction and the destination you want. The journey has already started.
Figure out where you are right now. Then, decide what you have to do, what you have to change, to end up at the destination you really want. With the Soulmate who wants the same things.
Remember, if you want to end up someplace West, does it make sense for you to keep heading East?
Tags: part, critical insights, rest of your life, Efficient, starting from scratch, thought process <BR/>
By , on July 2nd, 2010% “Momomomonogamy and cococococommitment,” she stuttered during her most current anxiety attack. She stumbled just saying the words – knowing what he wanted as the next step in their relationship.
Yes, I said “she” – because unlike all the movie and TV stereotypes, this dragon is not just male – otherwise, how would it mate and have this species survive and thrive as well as it does?
Most of us envision a path of Happily Here & Now shared with just one person. Most of us relish the idea of complete and unbridled intimacy in a totally monogamous, committed relationship with the one we want to share that path with – all the way to Happily Ever After.
Premature Monogamy
However, to me, the idea of wanting instant monogamy for fast, fast, fast commitment – when you first meet someone – makes zero sense for either party, especially before either the sex or before you know whether there is an excellent match with the Ten Filters described in Efficient Love.
Even with well-defined Lists and fantastic initial chemistry, neither knows the other well enough yet to judge if there is really a close enough match to shut off all involvement with all other Hero or Heroine prospects.
Premature monogamy can be a lot like premature ejaculation – both could interfere with having a VERY Happily Here & Now!
Often, this particular dragon may try to seduce you into premature monogamy using a variety of tricks, knowing that if he can get you hooked up with the wrong person, he will have successfully waylaid you once again – probably again for months or longer.
Since monogamy is, well, so monogamous, most will by definition shut off all considerations of any others who might match your Quest. So if you really did get hooked up with the wrong person, you would end up traipsing down a path to yet another dead-end and another inevitable Cycle through the Nine Stages.
You have already learned that if there is not a close match on all the important stuff, both ways, the relationship becomes filled with ticking time bombs hidden in every ignored nook and every mismatched cranny – until one or the other of you, or both, become so fed up with needs and wants and wishes not being met. Eventually, finally, something triggers a detonation – causing one of those time bombs to quietly or noisily explode from one or both having to compromise much too often.
The Ten Filters
Obviously, the closer the matches, the fewer the compromises and the less chance of needs not being met – and the increased likelihood that both will want the same things, at the same levels. And the more likely there will be Happily Here & Now for both, day in and day out – on your way to Happily Ever After together.
The problem is that you can’t know that immediately – no matter how great the chemistry is. How many times in your past have you prematurely started up in a monogamous relationship just because the chemistry was so great? Great chemistry is necessary – but it is NOT sufficient for even Happily Here & Now.
Hopefully, if you have read this far, you understand how most everything has got to match first. And until you know that, monogamy probably doesn’t make sense. Want to know more about the Ten Filters? Read the details in Efficient Love – before you consider monogamy again.
Tags: Lists, definition, Efficient <BR/>
By , on July 2nd, 2010% Hopefully, you make it here. All the dating has been wonderful and you successfully defeated every one of the dragons that tried to keep you from a shared path of Happily Here & Now. You have even shared some reality and that part was amazing and incredible.
You are both now in Stage One Love and see no problems on the horizon that will keep the two of you from making it all the way to Happily Ever After.
We interrupt this trip to Ever After for a sobriety test. The problem is: What do you do next, in your long distance relationship?
Probably, leaving after each visit seems to get harder each time – even if you know you will be seeing one another again in a week or two or three. And, all the times alone seem to last forever and the times together seem to evaporate during one deep breath. Neither one of you wants to continue living like this – with all those miles between you.
So, what do you do?
Pack up and move in with one another, with one of you quitting your job and maybe taking kids out of school, pay all the costs involved to transport all your worldly possessions to where the other one is?
What happens if you do all of this only to find out that you really can’t stand to live together for any one of 10,000 reasons?
Here are a few issues that you might want to consider as a Test Drive first – before you fully commit yourself to an err lease / purchase:
- DIDO – This stands for Day-In-Day-Out. Remember, at this point you probably have yet to REALLY share day-in-day-out time together, including all those mundane, administrative times required to run the business of the castle, and all that time focused on a concept called jobs and careers. Those are the kinds of things that you will be worrying about day in and day out if you move close, move in with one another OR even get married. Hint: You only get half credit for DIDO time during vacations together that last longer than three days.
- DIDO Length – Does length matter? How long does it need to last? How many times do you need to do it? There are no easy answers for this one, although it is probably obvious that the more you do and the longer you do it, the better your confidence factor will be that you two truly are compatible. The limitation for most is that those pesky jobs interfere – unless you are wasting vacation time while you are on their turf. But then, if it is a true test drive, will they be going to work while you stay at their home?
- It May Hurt Like Hell – Trust me when I say this test drive part is NOT a foregone conclusion. If anything, THIS is when you may see deal-killers galore IF you have your eyes open and pay attention. Likewise, your lover needs to be doing the same. Even in the best of relationships, this is where the hassles will show up. But you both have to be candid and honest here – before one of you makes life-changing decisions about jobs, careers, moving, etc. And if EITHER of you conclude that it just isn’t going to work, it will probably be heartbreaking for both of you, considering all the time and emotional investment made by both to get to this point in the relationship. All of that having been said, IF you both have done a VERY good job with ALL Ten Efficient Love Filters , the risks of surprise here are greatly reduced for you both!
- Kids and Others – You need to spend DIDO time not just alone – but also with all the other people who are in each other’s DIDO lives including kids, family, friends, and sharing all those things that your lover does with all those other people who are in their lives. Until you do, you won’t really have a clue as to all the considerations that are an integral part of each other’s lives. If you don’t like sharing those parts, see that as a very large red flag about the ultimate, long-term success of the relationship. Also, see Kiddo Dragon.
- His turf / Her turf – You need to spend DIDO time in both places, sharing as many components of each other’s lives as possible – even if you expect to move to the other’s city, you can gain critical insight from the time spent in DIDO at both places.
- Enough – At what point has there been enough of a test drive by both of you to feel confident about the next step – relocation by one or both of you? Anything you do to short-circuit the test drive will greatly increase the risks of overlooking deal-killers. But there also is no way to know it all. I have had readers tell me how they are in a relationship where one of them packed up and moved across the country to live together – after only knowing one another three weeks and after only one meeting. I would suggest being a bit more prudent and taking a little longer before changing your whole life.
I know. All you two want to do is be together every day and night Ever After and I have to bring up all THESE things for you to worry about.
Hey, I want you two to be happy, Ever After. I don’t list these to dissuade you from your hopes and dreams and goals, but instead to help you identify as many dragons as possible so you can slay them together – before they interfere with you two making it all the way to Happily Ever After!
There are no easy answers to the issues of long-distance relationships and no easy way to slay all the dragons that come with them – except having you both use The Good-Man Methodology with total honesty. This will help expose a lot of the problem areas and deal-killers BEFORE one or both of you end up making life-changing decisions.
Tags: test drive, Dragons, jobs, dating, vacations <BR/>
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